this isn't giving up (this is letting go)
by callieincali
Summary: in which, Kady learns that sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go more of me and my words


**A/N: i'm back and angstier than ever.**

 **it's not my fault this ship is so, damn addictive.**

Kady had forgotten the feeling of falling asleep sitting up, head leaned against cold concrete.

It must have been years since the last time she was in the unfortunate position. Probably when her mom had locked her out of the house on accident, or when she had sold her daughter's mattress, most likely for some quick money.

Either way, Kady thought her days of kinked necks and knotted muscles were long gone.

She wasn't even aware of her dozing until the sound of failed attempts to open a locked door pulled her eyes open.

For a moment, Kady didn't know where she was, but as the initial disorientation from sleep wore off, the memories returned, carrying a mixture of anger and fear of what was to come.

The sleeping spell had worn off surprisingly quick (or perhaps Kady was unaware of how long she'd truly been asleep), but Kady didn't intend for it to last too long, anyway.

The jiggling of the doorknob ceased momentarily, meaning its captor was almost certainly trying magic to free themself. Kady thought it to be quite stupid, because if one magician wanted to trap another, they would never keep them in a place that was easily escapable. It would have been far more foolish not to try, though, she guessed.

When the ruckus continued, it was aggressive and urgent, and Kady wondered how the shaking of a handle could somehow sound furious. Then again, how could it not?

Kady was on her feet in seconds, shaking off the head rush that resulted from the sudden pressure change, her hand pulling at the sliding cover on the door until Julia's perplexed face was revealed behind it. The confusion only deepened when their eyes met.

Kady forced a neutral expression to her face, refusing to let any hurt she was feeling show.

"What the fuck?" Julia was trying to read Kady's air, eyes frantically tracing her face for any sign of emotion.

"It's called The Clean Room." Her voice instantly betrayed her, shaking and hindering her ability to stop it from cracking. "No magic." The second statement regained its composure, but it was too late. Julia had already seen the vulnerability and planned to act on it. Her newly typical, apathetic smile flashed across her lips before she responded.

"Did you put a sleeping spell on me?" Her eyes narrowed as if she were mocking Kady's actions- as to ask if she really thought a sleeping spell would be enough to hold her back. In Kady's defense, it was enough. "Open this door." The words started in a yell, emphasized with a heavy fist colliding with the heavy metal, but eventually trailed back to a normal tone.

Kady felt her heart pound against the back of her ribs at the hostility, because Julia had never yelled at her before. Even without her shade, Julia obviously favored Kady, like the abortion had nicked every part of her shade except the part that allowed Julia to care for her. Time and time again, the others tried to point out Julia's flaws and lack of a conscience, telling her that Julia was nothing more than a deranged sociopath, and if Kady didn't see that, she was just as insane. Yet, Kady clung to the little things. Like when Julia held her back from crossing the ward that blocked Reynard from Brakebills. Or the brief looks-that couldn't be anything other than sympathy- Kady would sometimes see on the other girl's face when she spoke of something particularly gloomy. They had to mean something.

Maybe she _was_ crazy.

But the defensiveness Julia was displaying only furthered the need that Kady felt to keep her inside the room. Even if the idea of locking her there indefinitely shattered Kady's heart into a million, sharp pieces; all of which dug into her chest, trapping the air inside her lungs and burning her eyes with tears.

"I've been trying to understand you." Julia furrowed her brows, jaw slackened, as she tried the latch one last time before dropping her hand to her side. Kady instinctively shook her head in a way that said 'that's not going to work.' "At least, that's what I thought. What I've really been doing," she paused, sensing too much buildup of emotions- and, hell, if she was going to let herself cry in front of Julia- and bit her tongue, preventing the figurative pot of anger from boiling over. "Is trying to make excuses for you."

Julia seemed offended by the claim, as if Kady coming to her senses had somehow betrayed a level of trust the two of them had established. Julia without her shade was willing to manipulate anyone and anything to get what she wanted, and Kady had to remind herself of that fact just to hold back the urge to let the suddenly jilted brunette go free.

"But I can't anymore. Not after what you did to Quentin, today." Kady wanted to bring up his name. Because this wasn't about her feelings towards Julia, it was about the impetuous decisions she made and the inexcusable consequences that could have and did occur.

"But he's fine, right?" And there was the look Kady knew too well. The one that made her question if Julia was really as emotionless as she acted, or if it was all just some big act to keep herself from getting hurt anymore than she already was. But in that moment, Kady couldn't care less about the idea, focused on the infuriating logic Julia was trying to excuse herself with.

"That's just luck and you know it." She allowed some of the heat she felt to coat her words, finally raising her voice above the indifferent level she had been attempting to stay at. The accusation didn't particularly resonate with Julia, probably because, in her conscienceless mind, Quentin was fine, and the potential danger she had subjected him to didn't matter, as long as he came out alive. Kady tried again, hoping a different tactic would sting more. "You fed him to Reynard."

"He knew how to survive." Julia retorted without much thought.

"Yeah, by doing what you want." Her fists clenched by her side, itching to punch anything to release some of the rage spreading through her veins.

Kady hated this. Hated arguing with Julia. Hated how insensitive Julia was being. Hated the idea of doing anything that could possibly anger or upset the girl. Hated that her closest friend- her 'best bitch'- would no longer be beside her once she walked away.

"That's all you see anymore is what you want." Her previous train of thought dulled some of the edge in her voice, but still held the desired effect of pulling Julia's head out of her ass, even for a second. Still, the shorter girl reacted as if the allegation was news to her.

"You don't feel anymore, Julia." It burned Kady's eyes just to say it, but the tears didn't follow, sparing her the embarrassment of crying in front if someone that no longer had the ability to. "Not the way a human does."

Julia's visage replaced itself with its familiar nonchalant facade, only adding to the heaviness in Kady's stomach. Because, the truth was, Julia _didn't_ care. And no amount of arguing or shouting could change that.

"It's not your fault." It felt necessary to include, because it was true. It wasn't Julia's fault. Kady knew Julia- or at least, she used to. And the old Julia- _her_ Julia- would want to know that Kady didn't blame her. She just hoped that part was still able to hear her. Scanning Julia's features only made that hope seem less likely.

"I hope we can figure something out," she was shaking her head, again, the reason unbeknownst. "But until then, this is it for you."

Julia's twisted smile was back, but harbored a different reason; laced with malice and fury. The grin made Kady nauseous. She refused to let herself stare at it any longer, already sure that it was burned into her memories and would fail in letting her sleep anymore that night.

"Kady." Julia hadn't even finished speaking her name by the time the sliding window was shut. The feeling associated with closing Julia inside seared deeper than Kady had imagined it would. The tears were impossible to stop at that point.

Spinning to rest her back against the wall for support, Kady slid down the concrete until she was sitting, pulling her knees to her chest, just so her arms could hug them closer.

Julia promptly returned to screaming profanities and pounding against the metal, offering the perfect volume for Kady to choke out a few sobs, undetected. Her head fell against the wall behind her and she squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to see past the anger and just hear Julia's voice. She focused on it, holding onto the sound as if it was the only thing left that kept her from believing the girl was gone forever.

Maybe one day she would get _her_ Julia back.

The possibility wasn't enough to fill the emptiness swelling in her chest.

 **A/N: as usual, come dig your grave with me on twitter (callieincali)**


End file.
